The Pleasures of Swinging

Today I would like to talk about another alternative lifestyle called Swinging. For those of you that are not informed let me say that Swinging is the practice of couples engaging other couples (married or not) in a sexual manner. It is believed that modern swinging began in World War 2 among U.S Airforce Pilots and their wives. Though the origins are contested it is believed to have spread to American Military Communities in the 1950’s. Then by the end of the Korean War ended Swinging spread from the military to the suburbs. To better understand how the Swinging Community operates it would be wise to understand the basics of the lifestyle which states that a swinger, or someone “in the lifestyle” is typically:

• Married and/or heterosexual.
• In a committed relationship.
• Open to engaging in sexual activity with other people.
• Aiming to have a shared experience with their partner.

That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well and they often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called “key parties”) that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships.

Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as ‘unicorns’ but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise, the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys.

You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search, but the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time to establish yourself as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group. While swinging, partners might engage in “same room” sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in “separate room” sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Although partners might go their separate ways the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that somehow fuels more fire into the partnership.

There are also several levels of partner swapping that swingers will engage in.

A “soft swap”: Involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.

A “full swap” or “hard swap”: Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal, depending on preferences).

Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, so to speak, while for others they simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship which a couple is willing to swap could be related to either preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.

While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don’t necessarily define their relationship as “open.” Think of “open relationship” as a bit of an umbrella term, suggests Baldwin. “It can encompass everything from purely sexual no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections,” she notes. And open relationships are more about satisfying each person’s unique needs, while swinging is a “team effort.”

A third form of consensual non-monogamy: Polyamory, which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership, says Baldwin. It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships, and even multiple committed partners.

If you’re unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most, reflect on whether you’re craving a shared experience with your partner, you might want to try swinging.

But if you want to exercise your own sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship, you might be more interested in an open relationship. And if you want to connect with and even love multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet.

How to Start Swinging

Consider taking the following steps to dip your toe into the lifestyle.

1. Talk to your partner.

Once you’ve concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. If they are a ‘maybe’ or a ‘yes,’ be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs.

And note that getting a “yes” from your partner is crucial. Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging. If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure. Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a “big red flag”.

2. The more communication, the better.

Prepare yourself for communicating more than you did when you were monogamous. Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space.

For example, you’ll want to discuss the rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you’re OK with. It is essential to be comfortable discussing boundaries (i.e., ‘I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse’) and preferences (i.e., ‘I would find it really hot to watch you have sex with another woman’) with your partner.

And make sure to go over safe sex practices (condoms, dental dams, and birth control) related to STI and pregnancy risk.

3. Take small steps.

It is wise start out with “smaller, more tame experiences” — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check-in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you’ll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for both you and your partner or partners.